I'm Hissterical

This past Thursday, May 21st, marked the one year anniversary of Pootie getting bit by a snake. In honor of her not dying, we had a special dinner to commemorate the occasion. The menu included:

Cro-Fab-ulous Cheeseburger Sandwiches
Carrot Fingers
Snakey Sewer Water (grape pop)

And for dessert we had Snake Eggs (Chewy Nerds) and Baby Cottonmouths (gummy worms).

I crack myself up.

Certain Restrictions May Apply

Glaringly absent from the Mothers Day festivities a couple weekends ago was Snick. He was too tired and didn't want to come downstairs just for ME on MOTHERS DAY which pissed Pootie off to no end (and is a prime example of why his name is Snickety).

But when everything died down and everyone was lounging around on my bed (you know, helping me relax) he came down with an obviously-just-made coupon book.

I LOVE homemade gifts the best. I honestly do. But these coupons have me convinced Snick has a very successful future as the guy who comes up with the small print at the bottom of credit card offers.

He is the kid (*cough* 4th grader!) that we were told needed tutoring in writing, as in drawing letters not composing stories. It was pretty illegible, but he read them to me. Here are the highlights.

One coupon was for "One free borrow. Anything of mine you want to borrow, but only ONE thing for. . . . . . . ONE WEEK OR LESS!!!!" He wrote and said that last part like that was one spectacular deal I was getting. I've been racking my brain but I can't come up with anything a 9 year old boy owns that I'm just dying to get my hands on. But I'll hang on to it for a few years and see what he gets for Christmas from Grandma.

Another one was a freebie coupon for anything. The "Your Choice" coupon. Disclaimer: "But not too hard." Clearly he's on to me and knows that if I were given My Choice of Anything in the Whole Entire World it would be for him to do a chore.

Even though I didn't get it or anything close to it that morning, I did receive a coupon for 1 free breakfast in bed.


It looks like the stipulation for this one is that it will only be honored if I become pregnant again. Or am on my death bed. Which is a certainty if I became pregnant again.

The last one is a coupon for "one free car wash". But that isn't as endearing it seems either. The strings attached to that one are that "it has to be on a warm day and only on the outside because the inside is too disgusting." You know because those ar MY candy wrappers, empty pop cans, toys and dirty socks back there. And cleaning it up for me would just be sending the wrong message.

:) Thanks, Snick. You made my day.

**My own disclaimer: It really was great day and I love everything they did for me (such as provide blog fodder) and gave to me (except the migraine).

Flipper

ed note: I thought maybe if I start doing Almost Wordless Wednesday posts I'll at least be blogging once a week which is more than I've done in a while. So here's my first installment. (These words don't count though. That starts right . . . . now!)

Yes, he did this on purpose. Yes he landed on his feet. No, not in the flower bed.

Gimme A Break, Gimme A Break

Once upon a time before I had the glamorous life of SAHM, I actually showered everyday and got dressed before noon because I had two jobs (but only two kids). One (job, not kid) was full-time at a hospital and the other was part-time doing billing for a shop that put together and delivered gift baskets. I was usually all alone at night upstairs at the gift shop, just the way I like it, but it was very busy during the holidays so in December I had company.

On one such occasion all the basket-making elves were busy, busy, busy behind me when the owner's teenage daughter went downstairs on a snack run and asked if I wanted anything. Since I actually had a metabolism back then, she got me a Pepsi and a Kit Kat. This was when the standard bar came with FOUR Kit Kat fingers, not three like they do now. (BTW - is it super gross that they call them fingers or is it just me for reasons that will become clear by the end of this post?)

I was busy, busy, busy too and had the candy bar on my lap while I typed. I had eaten three of the (gulp) fingers and taken a bite of the fourth when I happened to look down. What I saw was (similar to) this:

Several of them all in the wrapper and coming out of the last half of the last finger of Kit Kat. (Note: Until today whenever I told this story I said they were maggots, but now after some research I think they're Indian Meal Moth worms. That's better, right?)

For those of you who don't know me, I am a very picky eater. My kids have NOTHING on me when it comes to food pickiness. And remember Fear Factor? I gagged at every eating-nasty-$#!t challenge they ever had. Literally, violently gagged to the point where I would gross out the kids and they'd start to gag too and we'd have tears running down our faces, both from retching and laughing at each other.

But I'm not a panicky person and managed to keep my poop in a group and not flip out. Mostly I didn't want anyone to notice me and start gathering around. So I took a few deep breaths and calmed down and told myself that people in Africa (and other places I don't want to go) eat worms and grubs all the time, if not worse things.

It worked. I crumpled up the wrapper with the maggot motel inside and chugged some Pepsi.

I set back to work without anyone noticing that I was a disgusting worm eater who should be squatting in the dirt in third-world country.

Until....

I looked down again and saw a straggler writhing around on my skirt, spastically flipping its tail back and forth like a jedi swinging his lightsaber.

That's when I ran and, luckily, made it to the bathroom before I barfed those mofos up. So much for keeping the worm-eater thing under wraps.

Monk It

I have too much blog material. Can you believe that? Usually I have nothing to write about. But now I have too much. Too much, as in there is so much crap going on in our lives and I can't even find time to blog. I could probably find a few minutes to type, but I don't have time or energy to put it together in my head. Its a blessing. And a curse. But mostly just a curse because there is just too much to deal with besides all the daily grind stuff like dentist appointments, school volunteering, basketball practices and games, track practice, swim practice and meets and . . . well. You get it. Regular stuff.

Maybe I should switch to Twittering instead. Then I could send out Tweets with just the facts of my life. Here's how it would have progressed over the last couple months:

Woo hoo! Heading to Cayman in a few days. Can't wait!

Scratch Cayman. Taz got arrested 4 bringing a knife to bus stop. Yes, bus stop not school. No, he didn't do anything but bury it. And yes, ARRESTED.

Tweet from juvie. Taz is spending the night.

How do lawyers sleep at night?? Four thousand dollars but that only covers UP TO IF he goes to trial. Effing shyster.

Got Taz out by the skin of his teeth.

Cayman back on. We have GOT to get out of here for a while.

SSB has had a fever since we landed. Way to ruin it, Honey!

Hey look! A barracuda just ate my toenail as it floated by him.

SSB's fever has finally broke last night. According to the mattress, so did about 50 water balloons.

Just spent $80 in cell phone charges because of a Bugaboo meltdown.

We're back! We sobered up long enough to get on the plane & come home. Should have stayed drunk. I mean should have stayed in Cayman. No. I mean both.

Taz is under house arrest. Isn't that more of a punishment for us??

Pootie Pie's guinea pig screams and jumps around all day banging against his cage. WTF?

Taz has officially been expelled from school and has to go to alternative school, which we have to drive him to and from. More punishment for US.

Got a note that Snick needs tutoring in writing. Not just writing as in composing stories, but as in PRINTING WORDS. He's in 4th grade.

Bunny has a cavity between her front teeth and has to go under general anesthesia to get it fixed. SSB is a mess.

Bman had field trip to see the play Stellaluna. He liked the book but hated the play. He hates it when real people act stuff out.

Tweeting from jewelry party. I don't wear jewelry but they have the free drinks.

Haven't heard from lawyer, DA or probation officer. Why is Taz being punished without even being charged???

Went hiking with the kids and didn't lose any of them. For long. Got a text from Dupree from softball tourny that said he broke his face. Whats that all about?

Dupree broke his face. He won't go to the ER because he doesn't have insurance. Or money.

Its official! He broke his face. In like 10 places. Going to a maxillofacial surgeon tomorrow. Got Mom's cc number.

Pootie's guinea pig's hair is falling out. I wonder if he has mites.

Dupree needs surgery or his eye will fall down into his sunken cheek. Anyone remember The Goonies? Sloth love Chunk!!

Suspicious Facebook entries on Bugaboo's page. Are she and the Cradle Robber doing it?

Got rates for self-pay patients. Surgery will be about $6500 total. If it happened to me I think they'd charge my insurance close to 100k.

Mom, Dad, sister and niece are here for the surgery. And now so is Old Grandad.

Got to hosp and they said they wanted $12,000 up front, not the $2625 they quoted me. What is wrong with people?

Dupree told them to shove it & went to apologize to the surgeon. In the midst of the drama, the hosp agreed to take a check for 10% and he went to the OR.

It took 6 plates and 25 screws to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Taz had his DA-ordered psych eval. Passed with flying colors. Did he just lie through his teeth? Do I care?

SSB flipped OUT when he checked Bunny's mouth. "OMIGOD! OMIGOD! Her tooth!" Laughed my @$$ off when he fished out a white Nerd.

In 1 yr of speech therapy, Snick has only mastered 1 R sound but brings his homework back to the therapist all checked off. I didn't even know he HAD speech homework.

I liked Dupree's surgeon so much I'm taking Bman to him for his snoring. Surgery scheduled for next week.

Got a call from Taz's probation officer that he is being charged. We have not been served.

Reg mtg for Taz and Pootie for HS next year. Taz is taking the same electives as Pootie & therefore steam is coming out of her ears & totally making my hair go flat.

Forgot about summer swimming program reg at the pool where Bugaboo works. They took a blank check w/them but now Pootie is too shy to stand in line by herself while Bugaboo is working.

At dinner with geeks from SSB's work. So this is what it feels like to be suicidal.

Pootie just greased up her guinea pig with udder cream. I read that it helps. Gross.

Even grosser is a greasy dead guinea pig in the cage this morning. Pretty sure it wasn't because of the udder cream.

Bman just drank his "silly juice" before surgery. When I brought up his Jedi jammies he jumped up and started swinging an imaginary light saber.

We still haven't been served. Probation officer never seemed too much on the ball. Maybe she got her juveniles mixed up.

Am up at 1 a.m. with Bunny. She can't breathe and we're giving her breathing treatments around the clock.

Took Bunny to the dr this morning for more breathing treatments but they are admitting her to the hosptial.

We've been at the hospital for a few hours now and Bunny has pushed the nurse call button 4 times despite my admonishments to not touch the red one.

And that's where I am now. Yeah. Here's the thing. 2009 was supposed to be BETTER. This doesn't feel like better.





(OK. Some of these are too long to actually be on Twitter, but I'm too tired to actually count the characters and shorten any fake Tweets that are over 140.)