Does a Bear Poop in the Woods?

Yesterday while driving Pootie to track practice at 6:45 a.m. she was unusually talkative. Almost manic. She does this when she is feeling guilty or upset. Most of her ranting was about a fort out in the "woods" next to our house. (The kids call it the forest but its just a strip of trees between our neighborhood and the private property next to us.) She and Taz had gone out to their friend's fort with him and were having a good time until Taz decided to take a leak right then and there.

Now. I know males of all ages pee outside from time to time. They can, so they do. And they love it. In fact, just a couple weeks ago I walked out the front door and saw BeeMan hydrating the rock wall between our house and the neighbors' and laughing his little head off. Its kinda gross but I don't really care that he did it, just that he did it in the front yard next to the driveway. You know, where the street is and all the people in cars passing by.

I can easily forgive a just-turned-six-year-old for doing it once in the front yard and I could probably forgive a 13 year old for doing it in woods if he had the sense to move away from his sister and friend and keep his junk hidden. But as it was, Pootie caught an eyeful and seemed a little unsettled by it, as evidenced by the constant blabbering.

"Look at that sign" she said in the car. "It looks like an optical illusion. Back there it looked like it was curving back, but now up here it looks like its curving toward us. I don't even know why I looked."

"At the street sign?"

"No. Last night. At IT. I thought he was squirting a water bottle and I looked up."

When Taz got home I told him to come home when he has to pee. Its NOT far. His answer, which I could have said along with him for I knew what was coming, was "But I had to go really bad." I told him to go before he leaves the house then and left it at that.

Less than three hours later Taz and Pootie were back at the fort and this time they had Snick with them. This was a thorn in my side anyway because they hadn't finished their chores and getting their stuff done on time has been an ongoing battle so I met them on the sidewalk with all kinds of admonishments. To my surprise I didn't get much resistance. I should have known something was up. I should have recognized their relief at being in trouble for leaving and not for anything they did while gone. But I didn't.

I was only caught up to speed later at bedtime by a, once again, prattling Pootie Pie. Just out of the blue she blurts out, "We had to go poop really bad in the woods."

"WHAT?? You went POOP in the WOODS??"

"Yeah. I had to go really bad."

"How did you wipe your butt?"

"I didn't. But I took a shower."

Can you picture me at this point? Try.

Actually I had a pretty exhausting day because of Bunny's constant whining and use of the word no and so by the time I learned this bit of news I was done for. I just sat. Sat and stared. No yelling. No flailing about. Pootie isn't used to this apparently, so just kept blabbing.

"Well. At least I didn't use my undershirt to wipe and then just leave it there like Snickety did!"

"He pooped in the woods too?"

"Yeah."

Ah. That's where the "we" came from. Of course.

Now I am just a deflated blob. A mommy puddle. So she didn't stop there. She had one more thing to add as I melted away.

"And Taz thought he'd get in a whole lot of trouble 'cuz he peed again. But he had to go really bad!"

Not Enough Hands to Scratch It All

Have you ever woken up in the morning or from a really good nap and gone about your usual business and then really weird things started to happen? Really bizarre things like a flock of of crows flying through your house or your kids turning into the cast of "Friends" before your eyes and you realize, "Oh. I didn't really get up yet. I'm still asleep." That's freaky but when it keeps happening over and over and you end up screaming at yourself "Just get up! Move your feet. Move something!! Please wake up!" then that's when it gets a little too weird.

Well anyway. That kinda happened to me this morning except opposite. I really was awake and sitting up but I couldn't open my eyes. Like at all. Either one of them. I have pink eye, compliments of Bunny and it sucks.

As if that's not bad enough, I also have poison ivy on my arm AND a yeast infection. I was going to post of picture of the poison ivy too but then my OCD would kick in and I'd feel obligated to post one of the yeast infection and my arms aren't long enough to take a picture like that. It would be like trying to shoot yourself in the head with a rifle. You have to pull the trigger with your toe.

I am one big mass of grossness and BeeMan is having his birthday party at Chuck E Cheeses today. Although my disdain for that place runs deep, not even I would stoop so low and do this to myself on purpose to get out of going. I actually feel bad about it. If it were outside somewhere I'd just keep sunglasses on the whole time. Texas women wear their sunglasses year-round even if its cloudy. They just love their sunglasses. So I could get away with it I bet. Eh. Who cares. Chuck E's is a veritable cesspool of bacteria anyway. Screw it. I'm goin'!

Goodbye Brett Favre

Goodbye Brett, here's to you. We will always love you. We are canceling our NFL Sunday Ticket tomorrow.
That's all I got to say 'bout that.