Friday, June 27, 2008

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny

For those of you who don't personally know us, let me describe Pootiepie for you before I start this story. She is 13 and just starting to grow out of being a tomboy, at least on the outside. Inside she's pretty much the same. She's either 5'1" or 5'2" and barely weighs 80 pounds. She looks like a newborn colt, all legs. Her legs are so stick skinny they don't look like they should be able to hold her up. The only big thing on her are her feet. She currently wears a women size 8.5 shoe and counting. They look like flippers attached to the skinniest ankles you can imagine and her thighs aren't much bigger.

Swimsuit season is upon us and we, the adults of the family, decided it was time for her to get a new one. She doesn't have a lot that needs to be covered (picture Olive Oyl in a bikini) but after 2 or 3 summers in use, her suit was ready for retirement. Besides. It was a size 7/8. 7/8 like what first and second graders typically wear. It still fit her and she wasn't hanging out of it anywhere but we insisted.

Even though she is a teenager and going into 8th grade I knew that nothing
that is supposed to fit her would fit her. I thought size 10/12 should work though. I went shopping one day and took pictures of different suits I thought were cute and sent them to Bugaboo's phone at home for Pootie to see and choose one. She chose a red and white striped two piece but when I went back for it, the ONE that was size 10/12 wasn't there anymore. Shitballs. I left without buying anything and figured she could go back some other time to see if they got more or go to a different store to look.

A couple days later Bugaboo took Pootie shopping. I knew it would be a painful experience because Pootie is very critical of everything that isn't just perfect and gets mean about it and I was glad to not have to go. They came back a couple hours later and Po
otie triumphantly held up her purchase. She liked the color, the style and the fit. I was happy. She was happy. Bugaboo was happy to have made it home alive. All seemed well.

Until she tried it on for me. It still seemed quite small. She yelled, "Its a size 10/12 just like you said to get!!" I looked at the hanger. Yep. 10/12. I looked at the tags. Um. Not quite 10/12. It was size 6x. Like what kindergarteners wear.

She had already taken the tags off and that protective lining in the bottoms and argued that her old one just probably shrunk and this one will be fine. She'll NEVER p
ut it in the dryer, she promised. OK. Whatever. As long as I don't have to take her shopping for another one. This one will probably last her until she can drive anyway and she can go by herself.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Mama Mia Let Me Go

When our dog Sofine first came to us a little over a year ago (we found her abandoned at a truck stop in Oklahoma) the vet had us take her for an ultrasound to see if she was pregnant. She had signs of being pregnant or recently delivering pups and she wanted to put her on an antibiotic for a tick bite disease she also had. The antibiotic would deform the puppies (so she said) if she was currently pregnant so we had to make sure.

She was NOT pregnant and so she got the antibiotic, but the conclusion was that she must have very recently had some puppies. She had very strong
maternal instincts and would lick Bunny's little head for as long as we would let her. Maybe her previous owner had taken her babies away and so she ran away to find them. That's sad, but a possible scenario. I guess only a pet psychic would know.

Well. I'm about to call one in because she had gone crazy recently. Pootie finally got her wish for a guinea pig for her birthday. (The reviled gerbil still has not died but she got one anyway with birthday money.) And Sofine had gone ape $#!t for this new addition to our family. At first I wasn't sure if she wanted to eat him or nurse him, but now I think its nurse him. For one, thing he (named Diego) is tri-colored like she is, black, brown and white and he is about the size of a puppy. My strongest theory is that she thinks he really and truly is one of her long-lost babies because she will not leave his side. She just sits outside the cage staring and staring at him.

I don't want to take him out and put them together to see what
happens though. I already feel sorry for the poor little guy being stared at all the time. It must be a little daunting. But Pootie and Bugaboo thought they'd try it one night with each of them holding one animal to assure no major carnage. I'm not sure who fell down on their job but Sofine licked Diego's butt and then there was much screaming and carrying on and Diego was shut back up in his cage.

Once in a while Sofine will bark while sitting outside the cage, but only one little woof. My heart kind of breaks for her and I want to put them together for her sake. Even if she figures out he's not a puppy she still may take it as a substitute and love him like her own. I just don't know how HE would take to that. And I'd hate to be wrong and find out she's been
picturing him as a big porkchop or something like in cartoons.

Anyone have any suggestions? Please comment and let me know what you think.



Scabba Dabba Doo

Ugh. The following is not for the faint of heart.

Pootie casually announced that her snakebite scab came off today. We've had follow-up visits with the plastic surgeon every two weeks since she got bit and every time he just says, "We may have to do a skin graft. Lets wait to see what under that black scab."

You, the blogging community, get a first look, even before he does because she deosn't go back to him until July 1st.



Yeah. I'm thinking a skin graft is in her future. That's quite a chunk.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sprechen Sie DOH!

SSB left for a business trip to Germany on Sunday. It was kind of a last minute thing that he didn't find out about until Thursday.

He has the worst luck when he travels, but this trip takes the strudel.

I thought it was bad enough that he had to leave on Father's Day but apparently the powers that be disagreed. That was NOT enough.

As everyone was boarding the flight out of DFW, the guy in front of him w
as strapping in a car seat for his kid and found a big, long screwdriver down in the plane seat. Even though the captain said they knew one had been unaccounted for earlier, everyone had to be evacuated while they searched the plane for more in case it was a stashed terrorist weapon. I think if there were any terrorists they'd probably just stick their contraband screwdrivers back in their pockets then bring them back on board again. But maybe terrorists are dumb like that and would just leave them to be found. I don't know.

So his flight was late getting to London but he still made his connection on
time. Or would have if it had not been canceled due to the fact that George Bush was finishing his European trip and Air Force One was at Heathrow. Apparently when Air Force One is there they restrict the number of other flights in and out and SSB's flight to Munich was one that got deep sixed. Why doesn't Air Force One use a military airfield? Do our commercial airports restrict the number of flights when a foreign head of state is over here? More things I don't know.

All of the other flights to Munich ran that day but not SSB's and they couldn't get him on the next one. Or the next one. But he did get on the last one. Six hours later than he should have been. This got him in to Munich after 11 p.m. their time on Monday night. As he got off the plane and walked through the airport he heard his name being called overhead. He went to where they paged him to and was told they lost his
bags. Not just all of his clothes, his great big equipment case that he had to bring there which held his REASON to be there in the first place. Plus it had his phone charger and laptop power supply cords in it. He carried on THREE laptops but couldn't fit all the accessories into the bag. Don't ask me why he needed three laptops or what the equipment was that was in the case or even what his job is. These are still more things I don't know.

He filled out the paperwork for his bags then headed to the car rental booth because Munich isn't even where he was going. He had to drive an hour south to a little town clos
e to the Austrian border. This story wouldn't be complete though if the obvious hadn't happened. They gave away his car because he wasn't there when he said he'd be and they, of course, had no more so he went from place to place until he found one. Finally.

I think I should point out that it was about 1 a.m. Tuesday by this time and he had been up since about 9 a.m. SUNDAY morning. Granted, he lost 7 hours flying over the ocean, but th
at is still 33 hours without sleep. Oh, wait. He did sleep an hour on the plane. My bad. I don't think anyone should drive a vehicle when they've been up for 33 hours. ESPECIALLY ON THE AUTOBAHN. I was a nervous wreck sitting here thinking about him out there. While he was still flying, I sent him a text that maybe he should just stay at a hotel near the airport for the night and drive the next morning. And I checked the train schedules but the last one left at 11 and there wasn't another until 4 the next morning. I never got to argue my point with him though because I didn't get to talk to him until he was already on the road. Driving. On the autobahn. On no sleep. Talking on the phone.

To his credit he didn't call me, I called him and he just answered. I called because I didn't know the extent of his woes yet and had figured out that he should already be in Garmisch long ago. When he answered I said, "Yay! You're not dead!" He said he almost was though. Huh? SSB has many wonderful qualities and talents, but his sense of direction is not one of them. I used to think he was just kidding or faking it for some reason, but no. He is just really, really bad at going the right way. It could cost us the Amazing Race if we ever get on it. He lived in Tulsa for 20 years and still went the wrong way to places he had been to dozens of times (if not more). Anyway. He was on the autobahn and then thought he was going the wrong way so he turned around. Then he thought, no he HAD been going the right way and was now going the wrong way. He stopped and asked someone and got on the autobahn going the wrong direction. Not the wrong direction like north instead of south. Against the flow of traffic wrong direction. Think "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" at 120 miles an hour in the middle of the night. Oh, and there are no streetlights on the autobahn even in town. I don't know why.

Is anyone tired of this story yet? If you are, go on to the next blog cuz there's more.

While on the phone with him I was trying to figure out where he was on G
oogle maps because he still wasn't sure he was going the right direction. There are lots of signs and he said you'd think it would be helpful, but there were too many to read and cars were going too fast and there were no lights. So I was trying to find out where he was on my map when he suddenly yells a bad word and throws the phone down. I'm panicked but don't hear any sounds of squealing tires or crashing metal, just a lot of bumps and thuds. After what seemed like an eternity he picked the phone back up. The exit for the road he had to take had suddenly come upon him on the right and he was way over in the left lane. He changed lanes and pulled over to the right, after the exit, then just went over the curb to go back.

He finally got to Garmisch at about 3 a.m. The place he is at is a "
U.S. Department of Defense-owned luxury hotel in the Bavarian Alps." This means it is like a military base in that it has a guarded gate. And he was not on The List to get in. And he had to be up in 4 hours for the first meeting. So he opted to sleep in his car. But in an unexpected stroke of luck, the guard made another call and got him in. He said SSB still wasn't on the list but That Guy signed for him. SSB didn't know who That Guy was but didn't care at that point. He got a room and intended to get 4 hours of sweet, sweet slumber but as it turns out his car would have been the better choice. A previous occupant had been sucking on the cancer sticks triggering an asthma attack in my poor, weary traveler and his inhaler was lost somewhere between London and Munich. He gave up trying to sleep at about 5:30.

Things did get better the next day. He got his bags and some sleep and it is very, very pretty there. And clean. But he kinda hates it cuz it makes him want to quit everything and just live there in a picture perfect world and he can't. Yet.


Saturday, June 14, 2008

A Little Bit Drrty

I got an email from ESPN today that has me very excited and stuck to my computer all day.

Its Fantasy Football time!! Woot!

I am going to get SOLID commitments from ev
eryone this year in advance. Last year all the kids wanted to be involved but when every weekend it was ME who was managing their teams. Well, no more. This year I don't care if someone hasn't checked if any of their players are injured or have a bye that week. Too bad for them and better for me!

ArtistMommy's little girl can't pronounce my name and although she is getting better at it every day, she used to call me "Dirty". She'd put a lot of R into it so it would sound like Drrrrrrty.
So now my team name is the Drrty Coyotes. Fierce!!

I can't wait until our draft even though it was a little long last year and the kids got bored and restless. I'm going to have to come up with fun things for them to do when its not their turn to pick. I am thinking of having everyone choose their logo early this year so we can make a shirt and wear it that night. Its going to be so fun!!

FD 2006

Last night ArtistMommy was looking at a collage Bugaboo did two years ago for Fathers Day so I decided to blog it since it is that time of year again.

Each kid made a list of their favorite things about SSB and then Bugaboo got pictures
off the internet to represent them and glued it all together with the title "Why I'm Glad You're My Dad". Here are their lists:

Bugaboo:
You walk around the house like a model. (He does. He's always practicing for the catwalk.)
You know why tires don't pop - or at least from heat.

You let me watch Guns N Roses all night on my birthday.
You always buy me silly boxers.
You play Faith No More really loud in the car.
You always stop at 7 Eleven.
You try to get me to go running even though I won't go.
You say stuff like "edumacated".
You make fun of us.
You took me and my friends to the My Chemical Romance concert and actually had a good time.
You wear weird Sketcher shoes.


Taz:
I look up to you.
You play so many games with us.
You're so funny.
The family wouldn't be complete without you.
You're there for us all.

PootiePie:
You're very smart.

You're awesome with computers and technology.
You have a great smile and your teeth are nice and shiny and clean. (He really does have a great smile. A thundering smile.)
You love us and keep us safe.
You're awesome at chess.
You play with us a lot.
You makes us a lot of money.
You're a very cool dad.

Snickety:

You are so nice.
You spend money on us.
You share with me.
You always help me.
Your smile is awesome.
Your smile gets better and better every day. (He had Invisalign braces at the time to move one tooth.)
When I'm gone I think about you.

BeeMan:

You play Mechassault 2 with me.
You have big muscles.
You have pretty hair. (I have to agree. Pretty hair and a great smile. I'm so jealous, but if I can't have it, at least I'm married to it!)
You taked me to Best Buy to get a computer game.
You make me laugh.

Bunny wasn't born yet, but I made one for her.
You're giving me the perfect name. (I let him name her and wasn't even told what it would be until the day after she was born. I don't think he really knew until then either.)

You're buying me lots of great stuff for when I arrive.
You give me and Mommy lots of room in bed. I drive her crazy at night!
I love listening to your voice. I makes me feel all snuggy.
You make Mommy so happy and take such good care of her and that makes me happy and cared for too.

He's the best dad and they did a great job of letting him know that. I'm always trying to figure out new things to do for him every year, but I don't think we'll top that one any time soon.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Right-Handed Destruction

Bunny knows how to use scissors!!!!



Unfortunately she debuted her talent on one of my very favorite outfits ever!! It is a hand-me-down from ArtistMommy's girls and its the cutest thing ever. I was upset the other day when she got chocolate Rice Dream all over it and I was out of Zout. I used some all-purpose Resolve but it didn't quite do the trick. I had it set aside this morning to soak it in Oxiclean but she found it and started to dress herself in it. Granted, she had both of her legs stuffed down the neck hole while the actual bottoms were cast aside, but she was proud and so was I.

I will keep this outfit secured in a Space Bag and tucked into my hope chest as memorabilia so it will live on, but I wanted her to wear it more. Like, all summer.

(OMG. This post totally seems whored-out with all the product names thrown in there, doesn't it?)

Bandicoot

About a month ago I had the Novasure endometrial ablation done and I went for a follow up visit with my OB/GYN the other day. Unbeknownst to me there were stitches IN THERE that she took out during the visit. *Shudder* I didn't really feel anything but driving home after had me squirming in my seat the whole way.

It was Pootie's birthday and Bugaboo was going to get her a pair of shoes. I had picked them up earlier that day but forgot to mention it to Bugaboo so I called her to catch her before she went to get them. She answered the phone all out of breath and said, "We just got here. I'll call you right back." I started to ask "Who got where?" since she was grounded but she just repeated that she'd call me back and hung up.

Now I squirmed even more.

And waited. And waited and waited.

Finally she called back and said, "We're on Parkview." What does that mean? I said, "WHO is?"

B: "Me and the other girl."

Me: "What other girl? What are you talking about?"

B: "The girl that hit me!"

Me: "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? I called about SHOES!"

B: "Oh. Well. I was on my home after school and someone in front of me stopped really fast and so I stopped really fast and the girl behind me didn't."

OMG. She has had her license for less than 4 months. The day she got her permit last summer, as we were going home from getting it, she was hit by a car also. Sideswiped by a guy coming out of a parking lot 2 lanes over. that first one definitely wasn't her fault and technically getting rear-ended is always the other person's fault, but there are things a more experienced driver may have done to avoid both situations. I can't bear the thought of teaching 5 more kids to drive and worrying every time they get behind the wheel.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

One Delta Ten Tango

After one snakebite hospitalization, three Memorial Day parties, a visit from my parents, one never-ending dentist appointment, one Kindergarten celebration, a carb-filled Volunteer Appreciation luncheon at the school and a painfully long middle school choir concert that made the dentist seem like going to a spa, SSB and I farmed everyone out and hid at a hotel last Friday and Saturday night. It was bliss. Since everyone was gone (well, except Dupree) we could have stayed home, but home has laundry to be done and a lawn to be mowed and a fence to be built. The hotel was the better choice.

We slept in, ordered room service, went to the Galleria in Dallas, slept some more, ordered room service again and watched TV on Saturday. Sunday we slept in again but we weren't hungry so we skipped room service and just finished the Bacardi from the night before. Wow. Big mistake. We are not cut out to be rock stars and have 151 for breakfast. We called for a late check out and then fell back asleep. When we woke up it was almost 2 and the kids were probably going to beat us home, if they weren't already there. Shitballs! We threw all of our junk together and started stuffing it into our bags running around like we were late for a gig.

All the way home I kept thinking of things I thought I forgot. "Did you get my makeup?" Yes, he did. "What about my phone charger?" Yes. Everything I thought I had forgotten he had packed.

It didn't occur to me until TUESDAY that I didn't know where my wedding rings were. I think I have a pinched nerve in my elbow because my pinkie and ring finger are constantly numb and tingly and sometimes hurt and having my ring on makes it worse so I didn't even think about not having it on Monday. Doy! I had to take Pootie back to the plastic surgeon and toxicologist in Dallas for a follow up so I had SSB tearing the house apart. I couldn't even let myself think they had been left at the hotel. He'd call just to tell me he HADN'T found them. I didn't want that kind of update. He was going to make me cry and crash and burn in the HOV lane if he called one more time without finding them.

Luckily, for Pootie and I and all I-35E travelers that morning, he found them. At the hotel. They hadn't even stolen them!!!! I was very surprised and thrilled. I almost hugged the lady when I went to pick them up later. I'm so glad I was an idiot at a nice hotel instead of a not-so-nice one. I would still be crying today.

Here's to you, Marriott Las Colinas!